Siddity in the City

To: All party staff and crew
From: You-know-who

1. All partying is henceforth to be conducted in minimum 12-hour shifts. No exceptions. If you can actually physically muster the energy to even consider walking home, if your first thought is not, “How the fuck am I gonna get a cab here/now?!” you stopped too soon. Recommence partying until said level of exhaustion is reached.

b) If your trip home isn’t possible via taxi–either due to availability or distance from party locale to home–and/or it would actually be safe for you to walk the entirety of the way, alone, at 4 a.m., fucking move. What the hell are you doing in the sticks? Wasting your life with three-toothed yokels, that’s what.

–Fact: You cannot make the party happen. If you go out planning to “have a crazy time” you will fail, be disappointed, and be in bed in time for 20/20. On the other hand, if you proclaim, at the beginning of your excursion, “Dude, I’m gonna apologize in advance, I’m draggin’ ass today,” very likely someone will be dancing in a space never meant for dance before the close of ceremonies–which will occur 45 minutes after the bar “closes.”

Seventh, hydrate! And avoid plain-looking men traveling in pairs. Guaranteed to be a serial killer and his trainee. Or some dude and his wingman, whatever, but you won’t know until one of them whips out the cleaver what you’re dealing with, will you?