You know, it was supposed to be a quiet evening out with a friend. Of course, given the nature of our dynamic, and our remarkable combined ability to be found by party and bullshit, I should have known better. Lawd.

See, what had happened was…

*Flashing back to Friday*

I had gone out six of the prior eight nights, for one damn fool reason or another, and I really needed to rest and conserve money. But I also never miss an opportunity to hang out with the lovely and talented Ms. McNasty, so when she suggested dinner at Star of Siam, I agreed. Conservatively. I thought, Thai food, we’ll maybe spend $12 on entrees. If I can get them to let me open one of my own bottles of bubbly, the drink would be no big. Good times for under $20. Home by 10.

Except, when I arrived at the restaurant, I found Ms. McNasty sipping on a delicious looking refreshing watermelon martini. Combine that with the fact that I had misheard the hostess on the phone regarding BYOB corkage, and I had to go in for one too…. Two hours and three cocktails later, extending the evening beyond dinner seemed like a fantastic idea.

FF an hour or so, and we’re planted at the bar in 10Pin. This is where things start to get hazy. We bowled three games (she won, every damn time). We watched a couple flirt badly, tore up on some substance stronger than lust. We were fed some serious F- game by a couple of guys in from the ‘burbs, one of them so cheap he decided to buy a half-smoked cigar from the couple rather than pay $4 more for a fresh one. Then he came back to us, proud of his haggling skills, with some girl’s spit-soaked stogie glowing in his gob. We left at 2 in the morning.

Aaaaaand this is where it all goes to hell.

We’d been drinking. We were hungry. We were heading out to get food. Then I heard, “Wait, looks like something’s going on over there.”

Lawd.

Long story short: Some guy, drunk and decked out in his midlife Miami Vice crisis costume, got out of a cab and tried to stiff the driver by giving him a half a bill–and expecting change. Drama ensued.

This drama includes passenger grabbing the driver’s phone from his hand and tossing it into the street to keep him from calling the cops, us calling the cops, passenger and driver getting their pathetic bitch fight on, and the passenger trying to flee the scene as he realizes the cops have been called despite his chucking the driver’s phone into the street.

This is where Ms. McNasty goes off on some Peter Parker isht and decides to intervene. You read it. She tries to actually stop the crazy ass mofo from leaving. Which is when the guy starts shoving her.

1. I’m no Good Samaritan, and I’m certainly no martyr. 2. I am, however, deeply concerned for the welfare of my friends. So 3. I have to get involved. God damn.

Fear not. I don’t risk all this sexy on some “rights of the working man” BS. I just tried to drag Shas out of harm’s way, so she would stop risking her own pretty behind. THANK GOD the cops arrive shortly thereafter. Alas, not before the passenger, cornered, points to us all in turn and shouts, “You’re black, you’re black, you’re black, and you’re black! I get it! This doesn’t seem fair to me!” Because clearly, we’re all backing the driver because we’re black, and not because we just watched you try to defraud, steal, destroy property, assault us, and try to flee the scene, buddy. Yeah, you got us pegged. It’s a black thing. *eyeroll*

AS IF that weren’t bad enough, now an entire fleet of African cab drivers has pulled up to try to give their $0.02 on how the officers should handle the situation, because the police just love that.

As witnesses, we stuck around while the passenger was cuffed and placed, sputtering in disbelief, in the squad car. As women, we were both a bit…overwhelmed…by the sexiness that was one of the arresting officers. Let’s call him Officer Tall, Bald And Sexy, mmmkay? Officer TBAS(co) for short.

What you need to know here (aside from the fact that I have a few “types,” and TBAS is perhaps my favorite) is that I have, essentially, three settings for dealing with hot men: “Sober and Inhibited,” “Tipsy and Chatty,” and “Drunk enough that there is No Goddamn Filter.” Which would explain why the following mortifying diamonds of wit tumbled out during my account of the incident:

“I assure you, that fact that you are incredibly sexy has nothing to do with us sticking around.”

“Yeah, I live three blocks from that police station. I really like them.”

And the winner, uttered while Officer TBAS was, thankfully, (I hope) out of earshot, and while Shas was trying to get me to tone down my crazy, “What? I’m allowed to say stuff like that. My dad was a cop!

WTF. No, I have no idea. I mean, it’s true, my BioPater was indeed a detective. Despite this, I do still find some cops really sexy. What can I say. I’m damaged. Let’s just put it all behind us. I’ll be needing to send that officer an apology (most certainly not in the form of topless photos) for my alarmingly inappropriate behavior. Sorry, Officer TBAS.

We eventually made it home about 4, after grabbing snacks and a cab (coincidentally, from the original, advice-dealing peanut gallery of onlookers). Saturday and Sunday? Let’s keep ’em dry.

And now, my liver and I retire, at least for the summer. We’ve had a good run, but I’d like to spend some more time in the gym, reading, writing, and executing various other self-improvement projects. I’m seriously not cute enough to make a living at this party and bullshit thing.

Anyway, that’s my story.

Welcome to July.


190 Responses to “See, what had happened was…”

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    Wow. Just, wow.

    No, no, don’t send an apology. Stop by with with flowers and a card with your phone number, lady. You are so cute (not to mention witty–drunk or not, who you kidding?) enough!

    You’re not allowed to dry out until the end of summer, which doesn’t happen for at least another three or so weeks. . . .

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    And yeah, I’m sort of alarmed it’s actually 90 here today. This has been one chilly summer, IMO.

    But yes, visit again! I miss you!

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