Christmas Eve.
I sit, bloated and gorged on the treats on offer at my Connecticut family gathering, pondering my past, present and future.
(Yes, it is cliche, thanks for noticing.)
As usual, my life is in flux. Big whoop. For now, I’m at the homiest home I’ve known, sipping my mom’s Bailey’s and enjoying a bit of a warm snap in the Northeast.
It’s good to be with family again, in a way I didn’t appreciate before I moved myself a two-hour flight away. I’ve been home four days now, and the logistics of seeing them–arranging time off work, incurring the expense of travel–have highlighted what will be the true challenge of my midwestern adventure: living my banal little life far from anyone mandated by blood to give a shit.
But anyway, I’m back and they do and it’s nice. I plan to enjoy the two days of family togetherness I’ve got left, before I return to my job (which is absolutely wonderful, by the way) and diet (FAIL) and humdrum Chicago life.
You know what’s funny, though? I’m starting to feel all nesty. I wonder if perhaps my distance from actual family is subtley sparking an interest in building one of my own. Then I wonder if really the problem is my impending thirtyhood, and I’m about to enter some godawful period of biological clock-ticking madness. Then I wonder if really, this mood isn’t more to do with Aunt Flo’s current tenure and the fact I just spent a few hours cuddling my cousin’s gorgeous little high-yella bundle of joy.
It could be that last, actually.
Nonetheless, I have recently realized I genuinely would like to have a family. This, of course, leads to a whole new set of concerns, the likes of which I have assiduously avoided until now. I haven’t been in any real rush to settle down or rocket my career into six-plus-figures or superstardom. I haven’t been any rush to find an ideal mate. Can I continue to leave those to chance if I seriously want to have a family?
I hit Manhattan yesterday, with the moms in tow. I’m so sad I couldn’t make it work. Is it overpriced, pretentious, hard as hell to endure? Yes. Would I still move back under the right circumstances (roughly double my current salary at minimum and already attached)? Absolutely.
I love that fucking city. I suppose I could try again in a few years. We’ll see. Undoubtedly, for the remainder of this week, I’m going to nosh on the H&H bagels and Zabar’s lox I’m toting back and lust after the life there I failed to build. Then I’ll cut my rent check for under $500 and get right-the-fuck over it, but still, for a few days, whine city.
For now, though, it’s Christmas, and in the spirit of the season, baby Jesus wants me to forget all that and focus on others.
Happy Christmas!
Chicago isn’t a bad place to be, but I do understand that feeling of wanting to be someplace else.
As for the whole husband/family thing, if you know that’s what you want, make it a priority for 2008. I know this sort of goes against most of what we are told, but no sense waiting around hoping that its going to fall in your lap. You’ve got to live life to the fullest and put yourself in places were the probability that you’ll meet someone who shared similar goals and values is greatly increased.
But hey, enough of that. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. of that. Here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Word of advice for the kid: You will never, EVER be fully prepared for a child. You think you will be, but in reality, it’s going to be crazier. It’s like living in the middle of a hurricane.
I once said I wanted a kid because I needed more chaos. Boy howdy, did I get it.
That being said, if you want to take a kid for a test run, I’d offer up BD to ya for a weekend or so.
And Merry Christmas!
I’ll be straight up, Chicago is not for everyone. It’s big and busy but not particularly fabulous and you have to work hard to make it like you and be your friend. It’s like a mangy cat in that way. But it can be pretty cool if you stay away from the bullshit. But I guess that’s anywhere.
As for nesting and all that, I agree. I think if you want a family life, and make it a priority for the new year, it will come your way! Happy Holidays. A gift from me should be waiting for you at your home.
Don’t get me wrong. I really like Chicago. I just think NYC has a lot going for it, what with being under 2 hrs train from my fam, all my fave foods within a 30 minute walk, and being where all the big fish go to be anonymous and all. Still, I think Chicago has been very good to me. I have friends here, and a job (found in under 6 mos–2/3 the time I searched in NYC) and very affordable living, and great culture.
I just think you have to have a bit of self-loathing mixed with huge dreams to want NYC, and once you live there…well, it’s unlike anyplace else. It gets to you. Under your skin. Cliche, but true. I hated it for almost a year. Then one day, I realized it was a remarkable place. Foolish? Maybe. Insanely difficult? Absolutely. But really, nothing worth having is easy.
And, for what it’s worth, Chicago is still an amazing place to be. Funny, I guess I moved “down” from NYC, but this ain’t no backwater. It’s still a big, hard, proud city, and I’m happy to be here, getting by.
And yeah, kids. I love them, in spite of the challenges. I’ve worked with them, and they made me nuts while they brought me joy, and I’m the eldest of a half dozen sibs. I’m not…inexperienced. People have offered me six figures to help them manage their brood. It took some distance from my past to acknowledge it, but yeah, I want a family, and I know I could raise one, well. Not easily, but well.
V: Merry Christmas to you and the fam, too! I’d be honored if you’d let me spend some time with BD, solo or otherwise. When you coming back to the area? (With BD or on an escape, I’d be thrilled to go carousing with you again!)
Urs and K: Thanks for the encouragement. Alas, I don’t know where to begin (or how) to make that a “priority!” Yes, I want those things…eventually. But considering how tough it has been to find someone I’d like to be involved with casually, let alone seriously, I’m not holding out much hope for 2008. And I can’t bring that kind of load to bear on any involvement right now. That’s one of my concerns. I know I want a family, but I also know I don’t want one today, and probably not within the next 5 years. I just…I can’t imagine finding someone I love and respect enough to want to bear their spawn, and then NOT taking several years to enjoy them before adding the burden of children to that equation. Thank Yaweh I believe fully in adoption.
More thoughts, but I’m tired now. Sigh.
Sid — Wow. I think that you’ve got a leg up on me in the kid department. I still feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark at times. At least parenting is the one area where “good enough” goes alright. If you mess up every now and then in little ways, it’s not like your kid will become a serial killer. Or is it? Hehe.
Anyways, soon enough I’ll come down to Chi-town. I figure right now it’s a little hard, but so tempting to leave BD behind with Daddy (even if it’s just to see how he’d do with her alone for more than six hours). And if anything, Madison, is a cool place to carouse. No dress code, ultra relaxed and the drinks are cheaper. Not to mention, there’s my house, Netflix and booze too!
Hey Chica. I haven’t been blog hopping in so long it feels like I am a newbie. Just checking to see who is still onboard. Hope all is well.
-Berry