2. a, d, This guy came up to me while I was sitting at an outdoor table and started making extremely lewd comments, which then progressed to threats of rape. Eventually, the shop owner chased him away. I thought I’d never see him again, but I frequented that area of town, and he would be there often and harass me while I was there.

3. a, b, c, d

4. Both friends and family knew, but I only told my family when I was about to move away from that town. There was nothing they could do about it, so I didn’t want to worry them while the problem still existed.

Lord.

Ding: holy hell. On all counts. I’m glad you stomped the bathroom asshole. I’ve never understood how people could not get why sexual crimes go unreported. I once had a J-school prof pose this question to the class: Why should rape victims not have their names reported in news stories? Isn’t rape a crime like any other? (M, correct me if I my understanding of that question is skewed.) The answer to me seems obvious: because unlike a murder victim, a robbery victim, an arson victim, people don’t assume that the criminal was in some way provoked, they don’t look at those victims as “damaged goods.” Well, unless you’re talking about insurance claims adjusters they don’t.

And I had to actually go searching for what a “triggering post” was. I hadn’t really considered that. Not sure I’d know what to do if it turned into such for a reader, or if I’d know, anyway. That’s just a level of responsibility I didn’t think about. Now that it’s out there…I’m at a loss.

2. no; well, there was that time a drunk guy busted in on me in the bathroom; he was throwing his body against the door to break it down and when he burst through, i threw a wood hairbrush really hard and knocked him on his ass. he threatened me with a knife and i stepped on him. hard.

3. yes; my aunt (b, c, a); my mother (probably b); my father (a); nearly most of my current social circle (c)

4. with the family stuff, family definitely knew about the physical and sexual abuse but they’ve only now just started talking about it and, man, does it explain a LOT about our family dynamic; as for my friends, i think only friends knew. as far as i know, no one reported the assaults to the authorities (hear that, people who don’t understand why sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes on the books?) for a variety of reasons: there was alcohol involved, they didn’t think they’d be believed, they didn’t want to go through the hassle of examination/pressing charges (they’d be treated like shit anyway), who the perpetrator was (i.e., a drunk-ass federal law enforcement officer), etc.

(FYI, this could possibly be a triggering post, Sid. just a word of caution.)

She had a history of becoming unglued at the slightest provocation. Teachers were afraid she’d snap on them, girls and boys would avoid having to say anything to her. The couple dudes who tried to step to her were usually vocally assaulted, then, well, kicked in the nuts. She always thought that people were talking about her, and dissing her, and she lashed out constantly. With guys, she just happened to employ a tactic which is pretty sexualized assault.

I classfied it as a threat because that’s what she was; a threat. It’s one thing to lash out, yet anohter to consistently lash out at men via a method that we’re sensitized to avoid at any cost. At any point she or anyone else angry enough could launch an attack that can cause lasting physical damage.

Speaking from experience…I grew up in a very violent family—someone was pretty much always pummeling someone in my house when i was quite young–my mom and dad, my dad and my brother, my brother on my sisters/I. But, up until a few years ago, not one single friend of mine that I’ve known since childhood had any idea such a thing was going on in my family–absolutely.no.idea.

And I’d be willing to bet that you and Shas-who’ve met my mom-wouldn’t have ever contemplated it either upon meeting her.

I grew up in a small town with parents who grew up in an era where you DID NOT air your dirty laundry to the public. You didn’t call the police, you didn’t tell your family, and you damn well didn’t talk to a shrink.

I count my blessings that I managed to get over those things and am completely willing to do any of those things if it means that myself and others could have a better life because of it.

As for the dude who broke my nose–I didn’t press charges and his mom said to me, upon returning to their house from the ER, “what did you do to make him hit you”. Think she might have been a victim of abuse? Yeah, I certainly do…oh, and a few guy friends iterated similar sentiments upon my return back to school in Macomb. Think they might’ve been abusing their girlfriends? Again, I do…

In hindsight, I wish I would’ve pressed charges, but I was hours away from home, staying with his family, scared, and foolishly young and insecure–standing alone in the face of such things was not something I probably could’ve handled at that time in my life because in my eyes it would’ve meant losing not only the boyfriend (who i dumped days later anyway), but all of our mutual friends and pretty much life as I knew it. Sad huh? I felt shame for it back then for one reason and I feel a modicum of shame now because I didn’t do anything about it, though I try to tell myself that’s not logical reasoning.

We’re getting away from the violence angle, but I’ve always been passive. Things sort of happen to me moreso than I cause things to happen. Again, more fodder for the leather couch (I don’t know if it’s just me, but was anyone else disappointed when they first saw a shrink and there was no luxurious leather couch).

BTW, being pants by women you like is not so bad.

There’s so much heartbreaking experience here I don’t know where to begin. Beginning!

Mrs. E: Isn’t it odd what we won’t share with family? I never mentioned it because it came to nothing and I have an incredibly protective mother who would likely have had a heart attack if she’d known. I’m pissed–your college authorities didn’t do anything to stop it, though. Not surprised, but pissed. Is your friend okay now, or did it ever escalate to violence?

K: Holy shit. The “multiple times” part is what I’d like people to pay attention to. These aren’t isolated incidents for women. It’s a like a chronic disease–you know that shit’s going to flare up again eventually.

ed: Thanks for joining the conversation. I wonder if a lot of people don’t just turn to that sort of old school justice rather than the authorities.

“She very likely already knows to whom she’s married.”

Truth. And the fact that she stays with him and inflicts him on people she considers her friends probably means you made the right choice cutting that friendship off. :-/ Ugh.

Shel: Hugs. Big ones. You took care of the coke-rage dude, didn’t you? And yeah, this is all scary. Stalking, after one date. How quickly someone can decide to fixate on another…frightening.

T: Ouch. Curious: was she always that aggressive with men, or was that isolated behavior? That was definitely an attack, but you classified it as a threat. Why?

Rob: Interesting stories. I’m confused, though. You’ve experienced threats, abuse and stalking, but I couldn’t tell if your stories reflect that. You definitely seemed to have experienced harrasment. Did you view the harrasing attention from men as threats? That would be a fascinating conversation in and of itself.

Instead of a “magic bullet” to stop violence, how about we keep conversations like these going? That’s your magic bullet. Awareness.

DS: A couple of things. I find it interesting that you have been a victim of d) but chose to share other people’s stories. Well, I get it, actually. But I wondered when it was happening, as now, if your reluctance to report had some underlying “I’m a man, I should be able to handle this myself” current.

To totally flip that sentiment, I find your second story interesting, and yeah, that’s maybe something you should discuss with someone more qualified. Again, you certainly seem to have suffered harrassment, but not violence.I find your wording interesting–you hoped they’d “just go away” and rather than taking yourself out of the situation, you stayed and “caved.” I think this is one of the reasons Michelle had a problem with your story. You seemed to be behaving passively as you claim the women were aggressive, but then engaged them anyway and imply the problem was entirely their aggression. It’s a tough call. On one hand, I don’t want to invalidate what could for you have been a very traumatic experience (or apparently, a series of them); on the other, why was staying and fucking the only alternative to “tossing” them across the room? But yeah, that sounds like one for the pros. Shrinks are great. I miss mine.

You must have had flashbacks when I tried to pants you for shits and giggles that time. My bad!

I think it’s interesting how much detail the men have shared compared to the ladies. And how you both are quite familiar with the patterns, but never viewed them as gendered problems until now.

I do think you should consider starting conversations about this kind of thing in your own blog spaces. I reckon I just don’t have much male readership; I’d love to see these discussions go on in a male venue. Well, “love” may be the wrong word…I’d certainly encourage it, though.

M: It starts so young, doesn’t it? That insecurity, the questioning of ourselves. And the surprise your father expressed! The burdens we place on children…that’s utterly tragic, but she couldn’t help herself; how could he have expected you to know to help her?

BG: Ugh. A deacon now. I’m not surprised. One form of power or another, I guess. as for your guy friend who was stalked, women do seem to do a lot more stalking than actual attacking. A guy I went out with not too long ago said he’d had a stalker for years, who’d managed to find him no matter where he’d moved. She seemed to content herself with harrassing calls, though. Scary.

V: A family thing. A private matter. Sigh. Lots of individuals suffering behind closed doors.

You know what’s funny? When you mentioned the socioeconomic factor, it got me to thinking about that. Is it race/money? But I don’t think it is. I think the fact that we tend to live in our own little enclaves and hide these things from “outsiders” makes it feel that way. I mean, racially, this a diverse group of respondents. I can’t speak to the economic diversity of their backgrounds, but I certainly know plenty of privileged people from my upper-crust school who have been either on the giving or receiving end of verbal and physical abuse, and plenty of girls who’d been molested by their rich family members or raped, abused or stalked by their rich dates and peers.

Who knows? Money can buy good lawyers. And big houses with big yards, and neighbors too far away to hear the screams.

Sorry. Should know not to type with a major sinus headache. Stupid weather.

It was funny — K. and I were talking about this last night and I got thinking after I logged off from IM. In high school, nearly all of my close female friends were subjected to either sexual or physical abuse, had parents that were addicted to either drugs and/or alcohol and basically had really bad childhoods. The funny thing is that I didn’t realize that it was a lot of girls I knew growing up that had this happen to them and not the boys, until now. I didn’t really think about it.

Violence in a way was part of growing up for me and my friends. I guess that I don’t think about it now because it’s been more than 15 years since it happened and nothing like what other people have detailed has happened to me since.

Comparing my life now and my friends now to what was in the past, I wonder how much of this is not just racial but also socieconomic (sorry about the spelling) and education levels? My town growing up was a lower-middle class and the education level was about high-school graduate.

My life now? Shit, I’m in Madison. Even the grocery clerks here have Ph.D’s. My friends now come from an upper-middle class background with stable families and college education is an expectation, not a “maybe.” Most of their lives are stable.

I dunno. I’m talking out of my ass right now, and just mulling over a bunch of variables. The whole thing’s got me thinking a little, which is exciting.