Siddity in the City

Picking up a week of spare grocery cash just for walking a couple of cute little dogs around the ‘hood? Great!

Picking up hot, smelly dog crap in a bag? Less great. I’m definitely a cat person, friends.

And to the gentleman I like to think of as Mr. After School Special, here’s what you did wrong:

1. Do not ride up to a woman out at 10:30 at night, trying to cross the street with two wriggly dogs, and attempt to chat her up from your shinydark SUV. Bad timing.

2. If you insist on doing so, pick a story and stick with it. You say “cute dogs, I have two JUST like them! (really? You coincidentally have a pug and a cocker spaniel, too?) and I smile politely and say,”They’re great, but not mine,” then turn back to the crosswalk, STICK WITH YOUR STORY AND TAKE THE FREAKING HINT. I’m not trying to engage you in conversation. Do not then try to draw me to your car by sticking your card out the window and then demanding “Here, can I give you my card?”

3. TAKE A FREAKING HINT. I DON’T WANT TO CHAT. I just told you these are not my dogs, and my hands are full. Why you tryin’a give me a card I ain’t asked fuh? And when I do ask you what it’s for (see: hands, full; also, street, trying to cross) don’t then tell me you’re suddenly ALSO a dog walker. Two seconds ago you had two dogs just like these, now you’re a professional walker, too? WHAT A CLUSTERFUCK OF COINCIDENCE! Why would I want your card? I just told you these aren’t my dogs, so I don’t need a walker, and even if I were a pro, what’s the point? To chat up the competition? Pass.

4. When I say “no, thanks, I’m just dog-sitting,” and don’t simply trot over to your car at your command (huffily demanding I take your card a second time does not endear you to me any more than the first, I assure you), don’t then start grumbling about how you should have just run me over. Asshole. But thanks for confirming you are as creepy as I suspected!

Fucking hell. You know, he was an attractive, older guy, and if he’d just said, “Hey, cute dogs!” as he passed, that would have been fine, even if it were flirting, and the next time I saw him, I’d have been warmer. But Christ on a crutch, man. You can’t just demand that I come to you and take your info because you feel like I should have it. What kinda controlling bullshit is that?

(I’ve been flashed by assholes in cars at night. He needs to be glad I responded at all. What can I say? I’m cautious.)