Back in therapy, as promised.

For some people, therapy is an admission of weakness, an inability to manage your issues on your own. For others, it’s a lifeline when you can’t manage whatever tom fuckery life has painted you with. For me, it feels like personal, emotional homework.

I pretty much always need this homework. I’ve gotten to a stage now where I recognize many of my neuroses, patterns, and blind spots, but I can’t always navigate my way through them without fresh eyes.

As I sank into my new shrink’s sofa last week, we opened with the ol’ “What brings you in today?” and I spent the next 60 minutes (thanks to insurance, just $0.50 per!) bobbing between my family and my relationship. As it happens, I think a good deal about both, I spend an inordinate amount of time considering my place in each, and I bean plate the fuck out of what I am rationally allowed to ask of the people I care for and what I am owed, if anything, in return.

“So, you clearly think very carefully about these interactions, and you are very aware and really quite judgmental about your own emotions and reactions. I can see how it would almost be harder, being aware of these responses and your inability to manage them, than for someone ignorant of their motivations,” she said, when she got a word in edgewise. “I think this will be a good space for you to actually get some affirmation that what you’re perceiving and feeling is in fact legitimate.”

I don’t know. I often live in “should,” not in “is.” I don’t know how people get by moving from moment to moment without analyzing the shit out of all potential outcomes. I really don’t.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s session. Aside from the above, I’ll be adding “pathologically manipulative colleague” to the “what’s fucking with me right now” crazy list. I just want to get through this week with the quiet little trappings of my life intact.

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